guide to a crazy world

I Can End Terrorism

TL;DR: Ban semi, stop terrorism. Don't be idiot.


First we have mass deaths at the hands of semiautomatic weapons, now a mad man uses a semi-truck at a celebration in Nice.  There is one thing that bounds all these most recent attacks together, it is semi.  I have resolved terrorism.  With my plan we can eliminate all threats on human life.   It is clear that the only way to protect our people is to ban anything that uses those letters.

Semicolons will be banned from writing.  Most times they can be easily replaced with a period.  There is no major loss there.  It might interfere with some styles, but that is a small price to pay to keep America safe.

From now on the term semiannually will have to be replaced with “every other year”.  Semicircles will be “half circle”.  Semifinals will now have to be “the round before the finals”.  In most other cases we can simply replace semi, with “sort of”, “somewhat”, “half” or “partially.”  These new phrases are more cumbersome, but how many people must die for your convenience?

The outlawing of semiconductors will be problematic for the technology industry but no one needs an iPhone to hunt deer.

Man working with simiconductors

We are unsure if it is the prefix or simply the use of the letters that makes this word so dangerous.  To be safe we need to restrict other things that contain semi.   We need to require background checks and waiting periods before someone can attend a seminar or take up the study of semiotics.  

Due to the presence of seminiferous tubules in male testicles, we will have to castrate those on the no fly list.  Someone who is too dangerous to fly is obviously too dangerous to transport semi.  Castrated men have an increased likelihood of only getting semierect, thus we will have to remove all male anatomy from these men.

I have seen an alarming trend, people adding semi in front of all manner of words. I implore anyone who sees this, call homeland security immediately.  Open carrying of such dangerous items will only bring us back to the Wild West. It must stop today.

How many people have to die before congress will take action?  I am proposing a national sit in.  We will not move until they act.  I’m sorry that I do not have public funds to pay for our catering, but we will suffer to save lives. 

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